Small talk
I always felt there was something disingenuous about small talk. It's conversation that neither party is interested in having, and therefore it has no real value other than diffusing awkward silence, which is apparently considered worse than awkward conversation. Because of this, I've had an infinite number of conversations with strangers (or relative strangers) on the following topics:
- the weather. I find that the frequency of this topic is analogous to how far the weather has strayed from comfortable. (e.g., "I can't take much more of this heat", or "Cold enough for ya?")
- what day of the work week it is, in comparison to one's level of exhaustion. Monday and Friday are the best days for this topic. It is universally accepted that everyone will be tired from either weekend fun or the rough work week, respectively, and therefore this is a common bond between yourself and aforementioned stranger. This becomes a more difficult topic during the middle days, in which case you must reference Friday, whether rhetorically ("Is it Friday yet?") or incredulously ("I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like Friday!") The latter also assumes that each weekday has a "feeling". This, too, is universally accepted.
- Weekend plans. Actually, this is Friday Only conversation, and only allowed once the other person has moved up from "stranger" to "acquaintance". There has to be a level of comfort involved, because a stranger's weekend plans can often range from "spending time with the family" to "stabbing a transvestite".
Anyhow, I've grown weary of having the same conversations over and over. I don't think it's completely out of line to demand more out of people with whom we are forced to share an elevator or train seat or doctor's office. Next time someone says something about the weather, I think I'll counter with something like "Do you think there's a hell, and if so, are we all headed there?"
I'm guessing I'll have a lot more awkward silences to deal with.
- the weather. I find that the frequency of this topic is analogous to how far the weather has strayed from comfortable. (e.g., "I can't take much more of this heat", or "Cold enough for ya?")
- what day of the work week it is, in comparison to one's level of exhaustion. Monday and Friday are the best days for this topic. It is universally accepted that everyone will be tired from either weekend fun or the rough work week, respectively, and therefore this is a common bond between yourself and aforementioned stranger. This becomes a more difficult topic during the middle days, in which case you must reference Friday, whether rhetorically ("Is it Friday yet?") or incredulously ("I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like Friday!") The latter also assumes that each weekday has a "feeling". This, too, is universally accepted.
- Weekend plans. Actually, this is Friday Only conversation, and only allowed once the other person has moved up from "stranger" to "acquaintance". There has to be a level of comfort involved, because a stranger's weekend plans can often range from "spending time with the family" to "stabbing a transvestite".
Anyhow, I've grown weary of having the same conversations over and over. I don't think it's completely out of line to demand more out of people with whom we are forced to share an elevator or train seat or doctor's office. Next time someone says something about the weather, I think I'll counter with something like "Do you think there's a hell, and if so, are we all headed there?"
I'm guessing I'll have a lot more awkward silences to deal with.
Aimee and I were just talking about this last night. The worst small talk I have had latley was with these two strangers at a bar, tow completley different conversations but both were obsessed with locations.
Stranger #1: "Where about's do you live"
Me: "Near Bucktown"
Stranger #1: "Near Bucktown or in Bucktown"
Me: What I am thinking: what the fuck.
What I say "Near Bucktown"
Stranger #1: "Where abouts"
Me: What I am thinking: You dumbshit, if I wanted to reveal to you where I live I wold have told you
What I say: "Ukranian Villiage"
Stranger #1: "Oh, yeah, what cross streets?"
Me: Thinking: are you kidding me?
Saying:" Western and Chicago" but I say it with a very monotone voice and I wear an expressions that shows that I am obviously not amused and annoyed with his stupid small talk
Stranger #1: Oh! Chicago and Western, have you been to the Horse, have you eaten at el Barco, have you shopped at Rainbow?"
Me: "NO"
Stranger #1 "What?! are you kidding me?"
Stranger then proceeds to repeat all of those places and describe all three of them in detail. I think he told me the entire menu at the one place
Stranger #2 talked about Skokie and how "suburby" it was, which to me was shocking because it is a suburb.
This really isn't a comment, more like a small essay. Im sorry.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:27 AM
No apologies! It actually reminded me of the worst small talk I've ever had, which I recounted to my friends a couple years ago and luckily saved to their blog. It went as follows:
3/5/02: Conversation I had with excitable Best Buy clerk while buying the Say Anything DVD:
CLERK: Is that a new movie or an old one?
DAN: It's old, but the DVD just came out today.
CLERK: Oh.
(Silence)
CLERK: Have you heard of Jars of Clay?
DAN: Heard of, yes.
CLERK: New album today!
DAN: That's great.
CLERK: It's not as good as their first one though.
DAN: Mm.
CLERK: But that came out, like, 10 years ago.
And then I stabbed him.
While searching by keywords, I also happened to find my favorite small talk of all time, overheard on the Belmont El platform:
MAN #1: What's up, boss?
MAN#2: I ain't the boss. There's only one boss, and that's Jesus Christ.
MAN #1: I hear that!
I like Skokie. Mainly for its movie theater that has cheap matinees and flavored salt for your popcorn. I am wary of Niles though - one time I ate dinner at a restaurant there, and all the patrons were super ugly. Like above-and-beyond ugly. Like inbreeding ugly. I'm not trying to be mean, it was just noticable. Like something in the water supply.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:34 AM
Niles?! Are you sure you werent in Champaign-Urbana. They are all fugly because off the fallout from the 50's.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:53 PM
Thats hilarious. My favorite passerby conversation was walking down Scheffield.
Guy#1: "Ohmyga I need to find a notary public like right now!"
Guy#2: "I'm a notary public!"
Guy #1 " Ohmyga, you're a notary public!"
Which also reminds me of my high school years when I was walking down the hallway with Doug Hilder and right at the height of our little convo our writting teacher passed us by.
Me:" So, you're on your way to cooking class?"
Doug: "Yeah."
Me: "What are you cooking today?"
Doug: "Steak"
Me: "Mmmm, sounds good"
Doug: "Yeah, but I'm not hungry so it doesnt matter."
Me: "What?" ( I really didnt hear him)
Doug: "I said I'm not hungry"
Me: "Huh?" (I really really didnt hear him or I just wasnt paying attention)
Doug: (yelling) "I said I'm not hungry because I just finished eating your mom out."
Sorry mom, and Mrs. I can't remember your name
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:45 PM
That's too funny - and the first one reminds me of my other favorite overheard soundbite, spoken by a young black man in business attire on a cell phone near the Board of Trade:
MAN: "That motherfucker has all the statistical data n' shit!"
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