Friday, February 23, 2007
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Today I Am Smarter Than Usual
Today I am smarter than usual.
Or at least, I appear to be. You see, today I am wearing my glasses. Not for any particular reason other than that I didn't feel like wearing contacts. Yet for some reason, I am told glasses make a person look smarter. Or, at the very least, bookish. This is odd, but true. When you really think about it, there should be absolutely no connection between a person's intelligence and the quality of his or her vision. Saying "those glasses make you look smart" is akin to saying "those braces make you look talented at basketball".
I had this discussion over dinner with my fellow bespectacled friend Matt. This is notable because at one point I had a comment that was something like "you are intelligent enough to have bad vision", which made him laugh so hard that his last sip of martini came out his nose. He tells me it was rather painful.
For the record, I know many intelligent people that do not wear glasses, and inversely, many dumb people that do. I don't know where the stereotype came from. My best guess is that around the time of their invention, glasses were considered an unaffordable luxury, therefore the only people who could afford them were a) the affluent, who were likely also well-educated or b) avid readers who decided being able to see words clearly was worth the money. This is only speculation, however.
But for whatever reason, glasses do make you look smarter. Evidence of this is most plainly illustrated by the early 90's success of Lisa Loeb's "Stay". For all practical purposes, a mildly hummable song by a mousy lead singer girl should've faded into obscurity. However, if you're like everyone in the MTV generation, the one thing you remember about that song was the video of her walking around some random Manhattan loft looking sad and wearing cat glasses. I distinctly remember some of my guy friends immediately falling in love with her because of those glasses. Despite the fact that she admittedly only hears what she wants to, and she doesn't listen hard or pay attention to your apparently impressive distance-running, a whole gaggle of male liberal arts majors assumed that she was their soulmate. They imagined themselves in said Manhattan loft, cuddling up to a naked Miss Loeb while having a deep, meaningful, post-coital discussion about the best writings of Foucault.
But as the film that made that song famous tells us, reality bites. Lisa Loeb is not deep, she's nearsighted.
P.S. - I am only referring to eyeglasses above. Sunglasses do not make anyone look smarter. Quite the opposite, actually. Wearing sunglasses will make people assume you are either a) way cool, b) blind, or c) starring in "Teen Wolf Too". Those are all mutually exclusive.
Or at least, I appear to be. You see, today I am wearing my glasses. Not for any particular reason other than that I didn't feel like wearing contacts. Yet for some reason, I am told glasses make a person look smarter. Or, at the very least, bookish. This is odd, but true. When you really think about it, there should be absolutely no connection between a person's intelligence and the quality of his or her vision. Saying "those glasses make you look smart" is akin to saying "those braces make you look talented at basketball".
I had this discussion over dinner with my fellow bespectacled friend Matt. This is notable because at one point I had a comment that was something like "you are intelligent enough to have bad vision", which made him laugh so hard that his last sip of martini came out his nose. He tells me it was rather painful.
For the record, I know many intelligent people that do not wear glasses, and inversely, many dumb people that do. I don't know where the stereotype came from. My best guess is that around the time of their invention, glasses were considered an unaffordable luxury, therefore the only people who could afford them were a) the affluent, who were likely also well-educated or b) avid readers who decided being able to see words clearly was worth the money. This is only speculation, however.
But for whatever reason, glasses do make you look smarter. Evidence of this is most plainly illustrated by the early 90's success of Lisa Loeb's "Stay". For all practical purposes, a mildly hummable song by a mousy lead singer girl should've faded into obscurity. However, if you're like everyone in the MTV generation, the one thing you remember about that song was the video of her walking around some random Manhattan loft looking sad and wearing cat glasses. I distinctly remember some of my guy friends immediately falling in love with her because of those glasses. Despite the fact that she admittedly only hears what she wants to, and she doesn't listen hard or pay attention to your apparently impressive distance-running, a whole gaggle of male liberal arts majors assumed that she was their soulmate. They imagined themselves in said Manhattan loft, cuddling up to a naked Miss Loeb while having a deep, meaningful, post-coital discussion about the best writings of Foucault.
But as the film that made that song famous tells us, reality bites. Lisa Loeb is not deep, she's nearsighted.
P.S. - I am only referring to eyeglasses above. Sunglasses do not make anyone look smarter. Quite the opposite, actually. Wearing sunglasses will make people assume you are either a) way cool, b) blind, or c) starring in "Teen Wolf Too". Those are all mutually exclusive.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Kenny Rogers
- "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The Gambler
- "Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man." Coward of the County
- "Don’t fall in love with a dreamer, 'cause he'll break you every time." Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer
- "The cheaper the grapes are, the sweeter the taste of the wine." Love or Something Like It
- "It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed." Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Best Concerts
The recent post about the "Best Concert Ever" on The Lost Blueprint made me think about the best concerts I've ever been to. As a music geek who grew up in the middle of nowhere, WI, we had to drive at least 3 hours to get to any big concert, so concerts became roadtrips and those became memorable experiences in their own right. I used to go to concerts much more frequently than I do now, which is why most of these are from my high school and college years.
BEST CONCERTS I'VE EVER BEEN TO, in no particular order:
Prince @ Summerfest. Milwaukee, 2004
Hands down, the best show I have seen or will ever see. This guy is a genius and a fantastic entertainer. My buddies and I had nosebleed seats and we could barely see the tiny pixy-man, but it was still brilliant.
Shane MacGowan & The Popes @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2002.
Crazy crowd consisting of 50% drunk punk kids and 50% drunk Irish folk. Saw a few people get carried out by security because they were too drunk to stand. At First Ave, most people usually drink cheap beer, but that night everyone was drinking Guinness out of a plastic cup, and half of it ended up on the floor. Shane was loaded and unintelligible on stage - just how you would expect. I typically watched shows at First Ave from a spot on the balcony, but this time I purposely wanted to be part of the madness on the main floor. The band performed all the best Pogues songs, and closed with "Fairytale of New York". It was so great.
Fugazi @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001?
I miss Fugazi. I went alone to this one. I did that a lot in those days. These guys just put on a great show, period. I watched from my balcony spot.
Pearl Jam @ Alpine Valley. Milwaukee area, WI, 1998.
My friends and I were HUGE Pearl Jam fans in high school, but we knew we'd never get to go to a show because they sold out in 2 seconds, and on top of that, they had that whole Ticketmaster fiasco that kept them from touring. In '98, when they became less popular, we finally got the chance to see them live, and all of our high school buddies came along. I remember everyone swaying and nostalgizing when they played "Black". I also remember everyone getting drunk and stoned in the hotel room, and my buddy Andy drunkenly mistaking the corner of the hotel room for a toilet.
The Strokes @ 7th Street Entry. Minneapolis, 2001.
This was before the Strokes album dropped in the US but they were big in the UK. I had no idea who they were, but Matt and Andy had an extra ticket, so I went along. There is nothing cooler than seeing a great show in a tiny venue and thinking "these guys are going to be huge".
Three Litre Hit @ Eli's Mile High Club. Wausau, WI, 1996.
Eli's was the only place in town where they had all-ages shows that we high school kids could attend. All of our rocker buddies had their own bands, and we'd all drive 10 miles to see each other play and smoke awful clove cigarettes. One night someone opened for Three Litre Hit out of Eau Claire, WI. They were a tiny "lounge-core" band that fused punk with lounge. Their stage shows were ridiculous. The Rhodes organ player ('Brother Nathan") wore a motorcycle helmet with a mic welded to it. (At least he did that night - legend has it he threw it away shortly after throwing up into it at a different show). He was a stocky dude who was always shirtless. He would play swanky lounge music, then rise up from the bench and scream during the fast parts. I can't do it justice. Great times from a band that has since faded from existence.
Beck @ EdgeFest. Somerset, WI, 1997.
Beck headlined an otherwise lackluster festival at the Apple River campground in Somerset. He just puts on an enormously entertaining show.
Superchunk @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001.
I love Superchunk! I miss that band too. I've seen them at least 3 times. This show was my favorite. Another one where I watched from the main floor. They closed with a cover of "Born to Run", complete with sax solo and false ending. So good!
Mad Trucker Gone Mad @ Mission Coffee House. Stevens Point, WI. 1996?
Our high school drum instructor, (and later, the drummer for my college band), Tim was in this band. They were crazy live. This was a show around Xmas time, and the band was giving away presents. One of the gifts was a sausage wreath, which they gave away to this one dorky kid who went to our highschool. Tim then decided that the kid needed to do "something special" to receive said sausage wreath, so the band proceeded to make the kid kneel down while Tim poured his full beer down the kid's asscrack, on stage in front of everyone. The kid thought it was cool.
Dave Brubeck @ Orchestra Hall. Minneapolis, 1997.
It's not often you get to see a living legend perform, much less from the front row for $7 because you're a student.
Polkaholics @ Schuba's. Chicago, 2003.
I don't actually remember if the Polkaholics were any good. I just remember that A) the Cubs won the playoff game that day, B) Schuba's was selling Schlitz for 25 cents and C) Matt was so drunk he put a Polkaholics bumper sticker on his chest and ran around the floor shirtless.
BEST CONCERTS I'VE EVER BEEN TO, in no particular order:
Prince @ Summerfest. Milwaukee, 2004
Hands down, the best show I have seen or will ever see. This guy is a genius and a fantastic entertainer. My buddies and I had nosebleed seats and we could barely see the tiny pixy-man, but it was still brilliant.
Shane MacGowan & The Popes @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2002.
Crazy crowd consisting of 50% drunk punk kids and 50% drunk Irish folk. Saw a few people get carried out by security because they were too drunk to stand. At First Ave, most people usually drink cheap beer, but that night everyone was drinking Guinness out of a plastic cup, and half of it ended up on the floor. Shane was loaded and unintelligible on stage - just how you would expect. I typically watched shows at First Ave from a spot on the balcony, but this time I purposely wanted to be part of the madness on the main floor. The band performed all the best Pogues songs, and closed with "Fairytale of New York". It was so great.
Fugazi @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001?
I miss Fugazi. I went alone to this one. I did that a lot in those days. These guys just put on a great show, period. I watched from my balcony spot.
Pearl Jam @ Alpine Valley. Milwaukee area, WI, 1998.
My friends and I were HUGE Pearl Jam fans in high school, but we knew we'd never get to go to a show because they sold out in 2 seconds, and on top of that, they had that whole Ticketmaster fiasco that kept them from touring. In '98, when they became less popular, we finally got the chance to see them live, and all of our high school buddies came along. I remember everyone swaying and nostalgizing when they played "Black". I also remember everyone getting drunk and stoned in the hotel room, and my buddy Andy drunkenly mistaking the corner of the hotel room for a toilet.
The Strokes @ 7th Street Entry. Minneapolis, 2001.
This was before the Strokes album dropped in the US but they were big in the UK. I had no idea who they were, but Matt and Andy had an extra ticket, so I went along. There is nothing cooler than seeing a great show in a tiny venue and thinking "these guys are going to be huge".
Three Litre Hit @ Eli's Mile High Club. Wausau, WI, 1996.
Eli's was the only place in town where they had all-ages shows that we high school kids could attend. All of our rocker buddies had their own bands, and we'd all drive 10 miles to see each other play and smoke awful clove cigarettes. One night someone opened for Three Litre Hit out of Eau Claire, WI. They were a tiny "lounge-core" band that fused punk with lounge. Their stage shows were ridiculous. The Rhodes organ player ('Brother Nathan") wore a motorcycle helmet with a mic welded to it. (At least he did that night - legend has it he threw it away shortly after throwing up into it at a different show). He was a stocky dude who was always shirtless. He would play swanky lounge music, then rise up from the bench and scream during the fast parts. I can't do it justice. Great times from a band that has since faded from existence.
Beck @ EdgeFest. Somerset, WI, 1997.
Beck headlined an otherwise lackluster festival at the Apple River campground in Somerset. He just puts on an enormously entertaining show.
Superchunk @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001.
I love Superchunk! I miss that band too. I've seen them at least 3 times. This show was my favorite. Another one where I watched from the main floor. They closed with a cover of "Born to Run", complete with sax solo and false ending. So good!
Mad Trucker Gone Mad @ Mission Coffee House. Stevens Point, WI. 1996?
Our high school drum instructor, (and later, the drummer for my college band), Tim was in this band. They were crazy live. This was a show around Xmas time, and the band was giving away presents. One of the gifts was a sausage wreath, which they gave away to this one dorky kid who went to our highschool. Tim then decided that the kid needed to do "something special" to receive said sausage wreath, so the band proceeded to make the kid kneel down while Tim poured his full beer down the kid's asscrack, on stage in front of everyone. The kid thought it was cool.
Dave Brubeck @ Orchestra Hall. Minneapolis, 1997.
It's not often you get to see a living legend perform, much less from the front row for $7 because you're a student.
Polkaholics @ Schuba's. Chicago, 2003.
I don't actually remember if the Polkaholics were any good. I just remember that A) the Cubs won the playoff game that day, B) Schuba's was selling Schlitz for 25 cents and C) Matt was so drunk he put a Polkaholics bumper sticker on his chest and ran around the floor shirtless.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Simulations
I have learned that being good at video games that simulate a sport does not automatically make you good at the actual sport.
For instance, I am good at Golden Tee, but I am not good at golf. I am good at Pole Position, but I am (presumably) not good at auto racing. I am good at Donkey Kong, but I am not good at hurdling barrels that live monkeys are throwing at me.
These are lessons that one has to learn the hard way.
For instance, I am good at Golden Tee, but I am not good at golf. I am good at Pole Position, but I am (presumably) not good at auto racing. I am good at Donkey Kong, but I am not good at hurdling barrels that live monkeys are throwing at me.
These are lessons that one has to learn the hard way.
Monday, March 13, 2006
A Handy Guide to Naming Your Wicker Park Business
1. Use the present-tense, one-syllable form of the verb that describes how people use your product.
Ex., If you are opening a bar, "Nurse" would be appropriate. If you are opening a restaurant, how about "Feast"? Wait... that's already taken.
2. Or, if the verb doesn't work, use a one-syllable noun that describes part of your product.
If you own a bike shop, "Ride" sounds kind of lame. How about "Spoke"? Sweet. Ask the owners of pizza shop "Piece" if you need help.
3. Create a logo.
This part is easy. Take a permanent marker and draw a basic stick-figure-like drawing of your product. This is your new logo. Find a font that looks sort of like sloppy handwriting and put your business name in all lowercase underneath it. Pretty cool, huh?
You now have the basics of a successful Wicker Park business. Hire anyone who has blue hair and facial piercings. Let them hang up their shitty paintings on the walls. Prosperity ahoy!
Ex., If you are opening a bar, "Nurse" would be appropriate. If you are opening a restaurant, how about "Feast"? Wait... that's already taken.
2. Or, if the verb doesn't work, use a one-syllable noun that describes part of your product.
If you own a bike shop, "Ride" sounds kind of lame. How about "Spoke"? Sweet. Ask the owners of pizza shop "Piece" if you need help.
3. Create a logo.
This part is easy. Take a permanent marker and draw a basic stick-figure-like drawing of your product. This is your new logo. Find a font that looks sort of like sloppy handwriting and put your business name in all lowercase underneath it. Pretty cool, huh?
You now have the basics of a successful Wicker Park business. Hire anyone who has blue hair and facial piercings. Let them hang up their shitty paintings on the walls. Prosperity ahoy!
Monday, February 20, 2006
Thank You, Salami Man
I haven't posted anything for a long while. I imagine I've lost readership. It's mostly because this was originally meant to serve as a photoblog where I could upload pictures from my camera phone automatically. The problem is, now my camera phone is broken. One day the entire screen just up and went blank, and evidently the only people that can fix it are the manufacturer or some place out in Schaumburg. Sucks.
Things of mine seem to be breaking a lot. My watchband is also broken, so I haven't been able to wear my watch. The worst part about not having a watch after wearing one for such a long time is that you still find yourself checking your watch out of habit. Today as I was walking to the grocery store, I checked my watch and was instead greeted with a bare wrist. I realized that I must have looked pretty stupid. However, immediately following, I saw a man shoving slices of salami in his mouth with his hands.
That's when I realized that foolishness is relative. A man in a goofy loud tie is always going to look downright sane next to a guy in a bear suit juggling fire. That's just the way it goes.
Things of mine seem to be breaking a lot. My watchband is also broken, so I haven't been able to wear my watch. The worst part about not having a watch after wearing one for such a long time is that you still find yourself checking your watch out of habit. Today as I was walking to the grocery store, I checked my watch and was instead greeted with a bare wrist. I realized that I must have looked pretty stupid. However, immediately following, I saw a man shoving slices of salami in his mouth with his hands.
That's when I realized that foolishness is relative. A man in a goofy loud tie is always going to look downright sane next to a guy in a bear suit juggling fire. That's just the way it goes.