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A Handy Guide to Naming Your Wicker Park Business

1. Use the present-tense, one-syllable form of the verb that describes how people use your product.

Ex., If you are opening a bar, "Nurse" would be appropriate. If you are opening a restaurant, how about "Feast"? Wait... that's already taken.

2. Or, if the verb doesn't work, use a one-syllable noun that describes part of your product.

If you own a bike shop, "Ride" sounds kind of lame. How about "Spoke"? Sweet. Ask the owners of pizza shop "Piece" if you need help.

3. Create a logo.

This part is easy. Take a permanent marker and draw a basic stick-figure-like drawing of your product. This is your new logo. Find a font that looks sort of like sloppy handwriting and put your business name in all lowercase underneath it. Pretty cool, huh?

You now have the basics of a successful Wicker Park business. Hire anyone who has blue hair and facial piercings. Let them hang up their shitty paintings on the walls. Prosperity ahoy!

1 comment

You write good. It makes me laugh. Write more, dammit, my brain is vegetizing without it.

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