« Home | Thank You, Salami Man » | 2005 Mix » | Fashion victim » | CTA Blues » | Matt takes good pictures. » | Showdown! » | Nipples & Real Estate Listings, The Untold Connection » | Me, Jim Roth, and a koala » | Chloe resting » | Dentyne Ice - Now with Gangrene! »

A Handy Guide to Naming Your Wicker Park Business

1. Use the present-tense, one-syllable form of the verb that describes how people use your product.

Ex., If you are opening a bar, "Nurse" would be appropriate. If you are opening a restaurant, how about "Feast"? Wait... that's already taken.

2. Or, if the verb doesn't work, use a one-syllable noun that describes part of your product.

If you own a bike shop, "Ride" sounds kind of lame. How about "Spoke"? Sweet. Ask the owners of pizza shop "Piece" if you need help.

3. Create a logo.

This part is easy. Take a permanent marker and draw a basic stick-figure-like drawing of your product. This is your new logo. Find a font that looks sort of like sloppy handwriting and put your business name in all lowercase underneath it. Pretty cool, huh?

You now have the basics of a successful Wicker Park business. Hire anyone who has blue hair and facial piercings. Let them hang up their shitty paintings on the walls. Prosperity ahoy!

You write good. It makes me laugh. Write more, dammit, my brain is vegetizing without it.

Post a Comment