Cell Phones Are Expensive

So long, millionaire invention!

2007-02-23T10:52:00.000-06:00

I saw this on the Red Line the other day:

I don't know why they feel the need to sabotage my plans, but there goes my idea for the Mercury Poisoning Prevention Helmet. Bastards!

Today I Am Smarter Than Usual

2006-09-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

Today I am smarter than usual.

Or at least, I appear to be. You see, today I am wearing my glasses. Not for any particular reason other than that I didn't feel like wearing contacts. Yet for some reason, I am told glasses make a person look smarter. Or, at the very least, bookish. This is odd, but true. When you really think about it, there should be absolutely no connection between a person's intelligence and the quality of his or her vision. Saying "those glasses make you look smart" is akin to saying "those braces make you look talented at basketball".

I had this discussion over dinner with my fellow bespectacled friend Matt. This is notable because at one point I had a comment that was something like "you are intelligent enough to have bad vision", which made him laugh so hard that his last sip of martini came out his nose. He tells me it was rather painful.

For the record, I know many intelligent people that do not wear glasses, and inversely, many dumb people that do. I don't know where the stereotype came from. My best guess is that around the time of their invention, glasses were considered an unaffordable luxury, therefore the only people who could afford them were a) the affluent, who were likely also well-educated or b) avid readers who decided being able to see words clearly was worth the money. This is only speculation, however.

But for whatever reason, glasses do make you look smarter. Evidence of this is most plainly illustrated by the early 90's success of Lisa Loeb's "Stay". For all practical purposes, a mildly hummable song by a mousy lead singer girl should've faded into obscurity. However, if you're like everyone in the MTV generation, the one thing you remember about that song was the video of her walking around some random Manhattan loft looking sad and wearing cat glasses. I distinctly remember some of my guy friends immediately falling in love with her because of those glasses. Despite the fact that she admittedly only hears what she wants to, and she doesn't listen hard or pay attention to your apparently impressive distance-running, a whole gaggle of male liberal arts majors assumed that she was their soulmate. They imagined themselves in said Manhattan loft, cuddling up to a naked Miss Loeb while having a deep, meaningful, post-coital discussion about the best writings of Foucault.

But as the film that made that song famous tells us, reality bites. Lisa Loeb is not deep, she's nearsighted.

P.S. - I am only referring to eyeglasses above. Sunglasses do not make anyone look smarter. Quite the opposite, actually. Wearing sunglasses will make people assume you are either a) way cool, b) blind, or c) starring in "Teen Wolf Too". Those are all mutually exclusive.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Kenny Rogers

2006-04-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

- "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The Gambler

- "Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man." Coward of the County

- "Don’t fall in love with a dreamer, 'cause he'll break you every time." Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer

- "The cheaper the grapes are, the sweeter the taste of the wine." Love or Something Like It

- "It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed." Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town

Best Concerts

2006-03-28T12:15:00.000-06:00

The recent post about the "Best Concert Ever" on The Lost Blueprint made me think about the best concerts I've ever been to. As a music geek who grew up in the middle of nowhere, WI, we had to drive at least 3 hours to get to any big concert, so concerts became roadtrips and those became memorable experiences in their own right. I used to go to concerts much more frequently than I do now, which is why most of these are from my high school and college years.

BEST CONCERTS I'VE EVER BEEN TO, in no particular order:

Prince @ Summerfest. Milwaukee, 2004

Hands down, the best show I have seen or will ever see. This guy is a genius and a fantastic entertainer. My buddies and I had nosebleed seats and we could barely see the tiny pixy-man, but it was still brilliant.

Shane MacGowan & The Popes @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2002.

Crazy crowd consisting of 50% drunk punk kids and 50% drunk Irish folk. Saw a few people get carried out by security because they were too drunk to stand. At First Ave, most people usually drink cheap beer, but that night everyone was drinking Guinness out of a plastic cup, and half of it ended up on the floor. Shane was loaded and unintelligible on stage - just how you would expect. I typically watched shows at First Ave from a spot on the balcony, but this time I purposely wanted to be part of the madness on the main floor. The band performed all the best Pogues songs, and closed with "Fairytale of New York". It was so great.

Fugazi @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001?

I miss Fugazi. I went alone to this one. I did that a lot in those days. These guys just put on a great show, period. I watched from my balcony spot.

Pearl Jam @ Alpine Valley. Milwaukee area, WI, 1998.

My friends and I were HUGE Pearl Jam fans in high school, but we knew we'd never get to go to a show because they sold out in 2 seconds, and on top of that, they had that whole Ticketmaster fiasco that kept them from touring. In '98, when they became less popular, we finally got the chance to see them live, and all of our high school buddies came along. I remember everyone swaying and nostalgizing when they played "Black". I also remember everyone getting drunk and stoned in the hotel room, and my buddy Andy drunkenly mistaking the corner of the hotel room for a toilet.

The Strokes @ 7th Street Entry. Minneapolis, 2001.

This was before the Strokes album dropped in the US but they were big in the UK. I had no idea who they were, but Matt and Andy had an extra ticket, so I went along. There is nothing cooler than seeing a great show in a tiny venue and thinking "these guys are going to be huge".

Three Litre Hit @ Eli's Mile High Club. Wausau, WI, 1996.

Eli's was the only place in town where they had all-ages shows that we high school kids could attend. All of our rocker buddies had their own bands, and we'd all drive 10 miles to see each other play and smoke awful clove cigarettes. One night someone opened for Three Litre Hit out of Eau Claire, WI. They were a tiny "lounge-core" band that fused punk with lounge. Their stage shows were ridiculous. The Rhodes organ player ('Brother Nathan") wore a motorcycle helmet with a mic welded to it. (At least he did that night - legend has it he threw it away shortly after throwing up into it at a different show). He was a stocky dude who was always shirtless. He would play swanky lounge music, then rise up from the bench and scream during the fast parts. I can't do it justice. Great times from a band that has since faded from existence.

Beck @ EdgeFest. Somerset, WI, 1997.

Beck headlined an otherwise lackluster festival at the Apple River campground in Somerset. He just puts on an enormously entertaining show.

Superchunk @ First Avenue. Minneapolis, 2001.

I love Superchunk! I miss that band too. I've seen them at least 3 times. This show was my favorite. Another one where I watched from the main floor. They closed with a cover of "Born to Run", complete with sax solo and false ending. So good!

Mad Trucker Gone Mad @ Mission Coffee House. Stevens Point, WI. 1996?

Our high school drum instructor, (and later, the drummer for my college band), Tim was in this band. They were crazy live. This was a show around Xmas time, and the band was giving away presents. One of the gifts was a sausage wreath, which they gave away to this one dorky kid who went to our highschool. Tim then decided that the kid needed to do "something special" to receive said sausage wreath, so the band proceeded to make the kid kneel down while Tim poured his full beer down the kid's asscrack, on stage in front of everyone. The kid thought it was cool.

Dave Brubeck @ Orchestra Hall. Minneapolis, 1997.

It's not often you get to see a living legend perform, much less from the front row for $7 because you're a student.

Polkaholics @ Schuba's. Chicago, 2003.

I don't actually remember if the Polkaholics were any good. I just remember that A) the Cubs won the playoff game that day, B) Schuba's was selling Schlitz for 25 cents and C) Matt was so drunk he put a Polkaholics bumper sticker on his chest and ran around the floor shirtless.

Simulations

2006-03-17T11:46:00.000-06:00

I have learned that being good at video games that simulate a sport does not automatically make you good at the actual sport.

For instance, I am good at Golden Tee, but I am not good at golf. I am good at Pole Position, but I am (presumably) not good at auto racing. I am good at Donkey Kong, but I am not good at hurdling barrels that live monkeys are throwing at me.

These are lessons that one has to learn the hard way.

A Handy Guide to Naming Your Wicker Park Business

2006-03-13T08:28:00.000-06:00

1. Use the present-tense, one-syllable form of the verb that describes how people use your product.

Ex., If you are opening a bar, "Nurse" would be appropriate. If you are opening a restaurant, how about "Feast"? Wait... that's already taken.

2. Or, if the verb doesn't work, use a one-syllable noun that describes part of your product.

If you own a bike shop, "Ride" sounds kind of lame. How about "Spoke"? Sweet. Ask the owners of pizza shop "Piece" if you need help.

3. Create a logo.

This part is easy. Take a permanent marker and draw a basic stick-figure-like drawing of your product. This is your new logo. Find a font that looks sort of like sloppy handwriting and put your business name in all lowercase underneath it. Pretty cool, huh?

You now have the basics of a successful Wicker Park business. Hire anyone who has blue hair and facial piercings. Let them hang up their shitty paintings on the walls. Prosperity ahoy!

Thank You, Salami Man

2006-02-20T13:34:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything for a long while. I imagine I've lost readership. It's mostly because this was originally meant to serve as a photoblog where I could upload pictures from my camera phone automatically. The problem is, now my camera phone is broken. One day the entire screen just up and went blank, and evidently the only people that can fix it are the manufacturer or some place out in Schaumburg. Sucks.

Things of mine seem to be breaking a lot. My watchband is also broken, so I haven't been able to wear my watch. The worst part about not having a watch after wearing one for such a long time is that you still find yourself checking your watch out of habit. Today as I was walking to the grocery store, I checked my watch and was instead greeted with a bare wrist. I realized that I must have looked pretty stupid. However, immediately following, I saw a man shoving slices of salami in his mouth with his hands.

That's when I realized that foolishness is relative. A man in a goofy loud tie is always going to look downright sane next to a guy in a bear suit juggling fire. That's just the way it goes.

2005 Mix

2005-12-22T13:16:00.000-06:00

If I could put together a mix of some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite albums of 2005, it would look something like the following. Feel free to download these from Itunes and make said mix at home. It will be worth your money, I promise.

In no particular order:

1. "The Girl I Can't Forget" - Fountains of Wayne
2. "Hippopolia" - Sigur Ros
3. "Winter in The Hamptons" - Josh Rouse
4. "Pussy" - Brazilian Girls
5. "Fin" - Supergrass
6. "Down to Zero" - Bettye LaVette
7. "Chicken Payback" - A Band of Bees
8. "The Food" - Common
9. "Dear John" - Ryan Adams
10. "Mushaboom" - Leslie Feist
11. "So What If We're Out Of Tune (With The Rest of the World)" - Marah
12. "Wikked Lil' Grrrls" - Esthero
13. "Lottery Winners on Acid" - The Crimea
14. "Hell Yes" - Beck
15. "Hit The Ground" - Lizz Wright
16. "What Sarah Said" - Death Cab For Cutie
17. "Off The Record" - My Morning Jacket
18. "Twin Cinema" - The New Pornographers
19. "Thinking About You" - Ivy
20. "Ladyflash" - The Go! Team

Fashion victim

2005-11-15T10:59:00.000-06:00

I think I need fashion help.

Today it took me forever to get dressed. I have a nice V-neck sweater that I wanted to wear, and I wanted to wear a button-down collared shirt under it, like all those fashionable folks in the catalogs do.

Well, I don't know how the catalog folks and fashionable mannequins do it. I tried wearing my brown striped shirt underneath, but the collar was too big and bulky and it looked funny. Then I tried my maroon shirt underneath, and that looks okay, but it seemed sort of weird tucked in. All the catalogs show that you're supposed to leave the tails out so they peek out the bottom of the sweater. That looks better - it gives your look some consistancy. The tails on the maroon shirt look nice in front, but the back is way too long and it looks like a big piece of maroon fabric is covering my butt like some sort of butt cape. As if my butt was a superhero butt that fights butt crime. I realized that all my shirts are like this, for the simple reason that they need that length to be tucked in.

So I don't understand how to make this look work. Do I have to buy smaller, tighter button-down shirts than I normally would, just for the sole purpose of wearing underneath V-neck sweaters? If I do that, the sleeves will be way too short, and will not stick out of the sweater sleeves like they do on these presumably strangely proportioned models. Are there special sweaters or shirts that can help me accomplish this look?

In any case, I tucked in the back of the shirt and left the front out. It appears to look okay, but I'm not a good judge of this sort of thing.

This is why I could never be gay. I am not at all good at coordinating an outfit. Also, I'm not attracted to dudes.

CTA Blues

2005-11-11T14:51:00.000-06:00

My commute is getting annoying.

I suppose it's not terrible in the morning, but during the rush hour back home, every red or blue line stop in the loop becomes a showcase for Star Search rejects. People who can't sing singing. People who can't rap rapping. Seeing as my hands are usually already full with my thermal coffee mug and whatever book I happen to be reading at that given time, I have no place to store a gong, or a comically large hook with which to offer up my opinion of these performances. They are all deserving of both. (The one exception might be the guy in the Jackson Red Line Station yesterday who played a panflute version of "We Are The World" to a pre-recorded backing track, which I found to be delightfully kitschy. On yet another side note, the panflute guys usually scare me because at one point in college I swear they followed me wherever I went. As I went to class, panflute. When I went to the mall later, panflute. I could not escape them. But I digress.)

On top of this, the Red Line train that I take home every day seems to be driven by the same driver. Or engineer, or whatever the hell they are called. I know this because after each stop, he feels the need to say something over the speaker system. I first noticed this a couple of months ago. Doors opened at Fullerton, and all of a sudden, I shit you not, this phrase comes over the speaker:

"Take care, wenches!"

Cue bewildered look from my fellow CTA riders, or fellow wenches, as we were now addressed as.

I figured this was some cocky engineer who wanted to see what he could get away with saying over the speaker. I reckoned that the CTA would get a call soon after from some offended passenger, and this certain engineer would be sacked immediately. It would have to be someone other than me, as I am not easily offended, and instead react to these situations in the same curious way a dog does when you burp loud at it.

But then a couple weeks later, same train, same engineer, same send-off: "Take care, wenches!" Then again the next day. And the day after. Now I am growing accustomed to being called a wench on a daily basis. Yesterday he added "May The Force Be With You".

Matt takes good pictures.

2005-10-31T09:45:00.000-06:00

I don't think he'll mind me linking to his site.

Showdown!

2005-10-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

Which one is the better hip-hop cover?:

Jonathan Coulton - Baby Got Back

Nina Gordon - Straight Outta Compton

Nipples & Real Estate Listings, The Untold Connection

2005-10-10T14:16:00.000-05:00

Right above the stairway to the Clinton Blue Line there is an advertisement for high-rise apartments. On the ad, there's a picture of a young, urban, professional type woman - you know, one of those clip-art type pictures that ad designers take from one of many clip-art CD-ROMs they have around. Nothing terribly interesting, right?

Except that the woman in the ad is wearing a sheer white shirt and you can see what appear to be her nipples.

At first, I thought I was just imagining it - perhaps it was the way that the light hits, or maybe I was just projecting a bit of titillation onto what could be just an innocuous ink smudge or something. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized that those were indeed nipples.

And the more I looked at it, the more I seemed like some sort of pervert to onlookers, I realized.

While walking to the stop with Jen one day, I decided to get a second opinion. I told her all about this ad and the nipples and everything, and once we got to the entrance, lo and behold, the nipples were gone. I'm assuming someone finally noticed and corrected the ads with some simple touch-up paint or what have you. Of course, this did not stop my girlfriend from thinking I'm some sort of delusional pervert who walks around imagining the nipples on poor, unsuspecting billboard models.

And not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm curious as to how this slips by everyone at the ad agency, the CTA, and the company that owns these high-rise apartments. Or was it planned? Did someone, somewhere think that this lady's nipples would help sell apartments somehow? I mean, nipples are harmless and hardly cause for alarm, but it's still a little puzzling when they're on display in a real estate ad. Or at a Superbowl halftime show, for that matter.

Me, Jim Roth, and a koala - gayest picture ever.

2005-09-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

Chloe resting

2005-09-27T17:16:00.000-05:00

Dentyne Ice - Now with Gangrene!

2005-09-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

Last night before we were going to head to the gym I popped a piece of Dentyne Ice gum into my mouth straight from the foil pack and then accidentally sliced my lip on the foil. Like a huge gash. Ouch. I felt pretty dumb. Beware of this unintended consequence of foil packaging!

P.S. - Doing a Yahoo Image Search for "Skull and Crossbones" brings up a close-up picture of someone's naked boob. WTF? What does a boob have to do with skull and crossbones? Excuse me now as I clear my cache on this office computer...yeesh.

Elizabethtown

2005-09-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

I'm getting excited for this movie.

Cameron Crowe is definitely my favorite filmmaker. He has a new film about once every four years, but each one has been worth the wait. He's the guy responsible for Lloyd Dobler holding up the boombox, Penny Lane saying "What kind of beer?", and Dorothy Boyd saying "You had me at 'hello'".

I realize that these are not the most macho of movies. I guess essentially they're "romantic comedies" or whatever, but they're really well done and moving without being sappy button-pushers or overly female-oriented.

Not that there's a big problem with those movies, but having been dragged to enough romantic comedies through the years, you'd think someone besides Cameron Crowe would be able to think up a love story that appeals to men as well, since we make up half of the audience in these movies. Instead, we end up sitting next to a girl who wishes she was dating Christian Slater, and we're secretly wishing for his damn baboon heart to give the hell out already.

So I guess when someone does it right, I tend to really enjoy those movies. Say Anything and Almost Famous will always be in my top 5.

Unless the new Police Academy movie ends up being super awesome...

White Sox

2005-09-16T13:47:00.000-05:00

"We flat-out stink...Base running, bad pitching - If I named what I'm disappointed about, we would be here all week."
- White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen

Yes. Yes you do stink. What the hell happened?

I'm sick of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

2005-09-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

Not just in that overexposure kind of way, but in the way that everyone and their neighbor seems to regard them as the archetypes of beauty.

Here's a question for you: Out of your parents and grandparents generation of famous people, Whom do you find attrcative?

If you were born in that age, would you swoon over Sinatra? Cary Grant? Audrey Hepburn? Bette Davis?

Starbucks mix

2005-09-13T10:46:00.000-05:00

Starbucks had this novel idea where they ask respected musicians what other artists' songs inspire them and why, then they make a mix CD of the songs and sell them.

It made me think that if I was asked what songs inspired me, or the songs that I think transcend the realm of pop music into something greater, what would I choose?

Here's my list so far, in no particular order:

"Flamenco Sketches" - Miles Davis
"Operator" - Jim Croce
"Houses On The Hill" - Whiskeytown
"Track One" - Sigur Ros
"Fairytale of New York" - The Pogues
"Unsatisfied" - The Replacements
"America" - Simon & Garfunkel
"The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" - The Band
"You Don't Know Me" - Ray Charles
"Purple Rain" - Prince

What would yours look like?

3-in-one

2005-09-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

I saw this in Walgreens. It's a douche, enema, and water bottle. What a multi-functional tool! Although I'm guessing most folks would pick one use and go with it. This isn't something where you would want to switch back and forth, I reckon.

Drunk hugs on Megan's birthday

2005-09-12T09:35:00.000-05:00

I've got a good picture of Aimee too, but I think she'd hate me if I posted it...

2005-09-07T10:43:00.000-05:00

2005-09-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

Brother, can you spare some stock options?

2005-09-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, as Jen and I were walking over to the bowling alley, a homeless man on the sidewalk asked for change, and then added "I'm a democrat."

At first I thought maybe this guy was on to something - he took a gamble and played the odds, knowing that 20-somethings in Chicago were likely left-leaning, possibly enough to stir up some kind of feeling of brotherhood that would prompt a gift of pocket change. And as a 20-something left-leaning Chicagoan, he had me pegged correctly. I initially found this impressive.

But then I thought, "well, no shit you're a Democrat."

I could be wrong, but I doubt there are many homeless Republicans. I've never seen a homeless man calling for sweeping welfare reform. "I'm tired of people like me living off of hard-working people like you!"

So I created this in his honor:

I would definitely give money to a guy who had that sign and then shouted out things like "I smell like alcohol!" and "I'm missing my teeth!" and "This package of fish sticks does not make a good pillow!"

I think that's my main problem with the homeless. They're just not clever.

Mullet Night

2005-08-31T12:02:00.000-05:00

Friday is Mullet Night at the Cell!

Sick

2005-08-30T10:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sick today, so I'm likely to be lurking around everyone's websites instead of doing actual work. Just as a forewarning.

I don't actually feel sick in a normal sense, my sinuses are mostly clear, but my eyes are dry and scratchy and my body feels like I just ran a marathon. I can't say I have much of an appetite either. Perhaps some rest will do the trick. Or maybe I have mono. That would suck. Doesn't that last a few months? I hope I don't have mono. Or Lupus for that matter. Lupus would suck too.

I need a haircut, but I don't think I can afford one. This makes you sad.

Here's a quiz for you to kill time with:

1. What was your favorite TV show/book/movie as a child?

2. what was the worst food you've ever eaten?

3. If you owned a parakeet, what would you name it?

4. If you had to choose, what would you rather do in front of a crowd of 50 people: sing, give a speech, or be naked?

5. Have you ever had a recurring dream, and if so, what was it about?

6. If you had to read a bedtime story to either Daryl Hall from Hall & Oates, or the dad from TV's "Blossom", which would you choose, and why?

American Gothic

2005-08-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

2005-08-28T19:38:00.000-05:00

This is my niece Elizabeth in her costume.

2005-08-28T19:32:00.000-05:00

Poll

2005-08-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

What's your favorite line from a movie?

2005-08-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to win at this game. I guess I gotta brush up on my man skills.

Canada Fishing Trip

2005-08-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

My dad just sent me pictures from our fishing trip up in Canada this summer:

Me with a Walleye

My dad with a Walleye

Cooking the fish on shore

My cousin Todd's trophy Northern

Dislikes

2005-08-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

Megan had a good post recently about people's dislikes, or "pet peeves", if you will (which I won't, because the phrase "pet peeve" is in itself a pet peeve of mine, and oddly enough, so is the phrase "if you will"). I couldn't really think of anything that always bugs me that day, but I finally came up with something:

Sleeveless sweaters.

I've seen these on women in the past few years and I can't stand them. Sweaters are worn to keep you warm in winter. Sleeveless apparel is worn to keep you cool in summer. These two do not mix for a reason. It's like wearing open-toed rain boots. It doesn't make sense. Unless there are people out there who have very cold torsoes but unusually warm appendages. I would think such a condition would require medical attention, however. I can't take you seriously if you are wearing a sleeveless sweater.

I also can't stand the poncho trend.

Ladies, evidently if you want to be trendy and attractive to men here's how you do it:

1. Cut a hole in the middle of your throw rug.
2. Wear it.

I also dislike tube-tops, but does anyone really wear those outside of college? The sexy factor of a tube top is immediately destroyed by the fact that girls who wear them look like they're doing the chicken dance because they have to pull the top up by its sides every 30 seconds.

I dislike other things than ladies fashions, I reckon, but once I get on a roll it's hard to stop.

Also, I dislike the word "smoothie".

2005-08-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

Documentaries

2005-08-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

Jen has one o' them fancy Blockbuster Online accounts, and she lets me pick out some movies that I want to see. I'm not much of a movie buff - I enjoy watching all of the Oscar movies in the winter, but I don't have much of a desire to see summer blockbusters or mediocre comedies. I do really like documentaries. I don't know what it is about non-fiction that piques my curiousity, but it just does.

Inversely, Jen claims she has never seen a documentary. So she picked one that could be of interest to both of us. It was a documentary of the life of Anne Frank. It was boring as hell. Unfortunately, now I think she's got the idea that all documentaries are just close-ups of old pictures and boring interviews with a bunch of talking heads. And that's just not true.

So we have this one at home now, and from what I hear, it's very moving and unforgettable. It follows this trial as it's going on, so it's not just a bunch of boring people talking about history. I'd like to see if it redeems the documentary genre for Jen, so perhaps I could introduce her to some of the other good documentaries like Hoop Dreams, Supersize Me, Paradise Lost, Roger & Me, and Hearts & Minds, but I guess I'm watching this one alone. Any ideas on how I can convince her that she may actually enjoy this one? ...I mean, besides this blog entry, which she has just read.

Although from what I hear, they show a live pig being slaughtered in this one. I'm guessing she won't dig that too much. Can't be anymore insufferable than watching Brittany Murphy act like a lunatic for 90 minutes, I reckon.

Sox game

2005-08-15T19:36:00.000-05:00

Arne is full

2005-08-15T09:44:00.000-05:00

Arne is full

Cubs game

2005-08-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

Cubs game

The Cubs

2005-08-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

Right now the Cubs are on their second 8-game skid of the year going into a series against the winningest team in the NL.

Now, despite what my lovely and wonderful girlfriend may think, I actually do cheer for the Cubs. I watched every game in the 2003 NLDS, and celebrated with everyone else. I was jam-packed into the Ginger Man for the NLCS - right in the middle of it. I yelled obscenities at the TV when Bartman knocked that ball, just like everyone else. I called my mom to tell her to just let the machine pick up when the Cubs won the pennant, just so she could hear first hand the mayhem that was to ensue in Wrigleyville. And the Cubs disappointed in the end.

But admittedly, I am not originally from Chicago. My dad used to take me to Brewers games as a kid, and I can still name the 89 lineup. So I am not a "true" Cubs fan, I suppose. But I like to see them do well.

Of course, the first team I really had the chance to spend time with here was the Sox. For $10 I could spend a Monday and Tuesday in the bleachers of the Cell. I ate polish sausages, watched fireworks, and chanted O-E-O-Maaaaglio.

So I root for both teams. Being from central Wisconsin, where it was a 3 hour drive just to see a ballgame, I would've killed to have 2 different teams to see in the same city. I guess I don't get the animosity.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Now, I may not be a "true" Cubs or Sox fan, but I am a true Packer fan, and when they're doing poorly, I'm the first one to demand the head of the coaching staff, or the players, or... well, just about anyone who isn't Favre. I think fans deserve to be the most critical of their teams. So in case there's still true Cubs fans who haven't caught on...

The Cubs blow.

Not in general, mind you. Just the past couple years. They are not a good team.

I'm not saying this to be a dick or to rub it in. It's not like I'm saying "the Rockies blow" when everyone already knows it.

I'm saying it because they suck, and they shouldn't. That's disappointing.

This should be even more disappointing to true Cubs fans, because on paper the Cubs have a starting pitching staff that should be BY FAR the best in both leagues. You've got a first baseman who is a viable MVP candidate. And yet the Cubs can't win. Moreover, they lose by stupid mistakes and by walking in the winning run.

Someone's gotta be accountable. Maybe everyone should be. I think if the Cubs have to go on another 8 game skid just to get this club to make some drastic changes, so be it.

Either Dusty has to go, or most of the team should.

Here's what I would do:

1) Trade Kerry Wood while you can still get more than a bag of balls for him. He will be worth nothing in a year. the guy is only good when he's throwing at full strength, which gets him injured every damn season. And yes, he'll still be on the DL for half the year as a reliever.

2) Fire the pitching coaches. They can't keep anyone healthy. Something is wrong there.

3) Get rid of whomever you need to (minus Lee and Garciaparra) for a decent closer, solid hitters, and guys who can play defense.

Clean house. The Cubs owe it to the fans. Even the retards at Hi-Tops.

The Cubs need tough love.

I got the Rollie on my arm, and I'm pouring Chandon...

2005-08-10T09:16:00.001-05:00

I am consistently amazed by the Neptunes.

Bewildered is maybe a better word. It's not like I think their songs are that great, it's just that they have this uncanny ability to tap into something other-worldly and create anthems and catchphrases that are embraced and repeated by millions of people while still being original.

I first noticed this with that "Drop It Like It's Hot" song. It took me repeated listens to figure out whether I loved that song or hated it. I finally decided I loved it since I was listening to it so much. But mostly I was in awe of how someone could make a hit song with no discernable melody, and only tongue clicks, slide whistles, and a tin of Jiffy Pop as accompaniment.

Now comes this "Hollaback Girl" song. Here's another song with no discernable melody. It's essentially just a big long cheer. But it has the entire nation chanting "the shit is bananas" and spelling out "bananas". How does this happen? And more importantly, why do I love spelling out "bananas"?

Small talk

2005-08-09T08:46:00.000-05:00

I always felt there was something disingenuous about small talk. It's conversation that neither party is interested in having, and therefore it has no real value other than diffusing awkward silence, which is apparently considered worse than awkward conversation. Because of this, I've had an infinite number of conversations with strangers (or relative strangers) on the following topics:

- the weather. I find that the frequency of this topic is analogous to how far the weather has strayed from comfortable. (e.g., "I can't take much more of this heat", or "Cold enough for ya?")

- what day of the work week it is, in comparison to one's level of exhaustion. Monday and Friday are the best days for this topic. It is universally accepted that everyone will be tired from either weekend fun or the rough work week, respectively, and therefore this is a common bond between yourself and aforementioned stranger. This becomes a more difficult topic during the middle days, in which case you must reference Friday, whether rhetorically ("Is it Friday yet?") or incredulously ("I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like Friday!") The latter also assumes that each weekday has a "feeling". This, too, is universally accepted.

- Weekend plans. Actually, this is Friday Only conversation, and only allowed once the other person has moved up from "stranger" to "acquaintance". There has to be a level of comfort involved, because a stranger's weekend plans can often range from "spending time with the family" to "stabbing a transvestite".

Anyhow, I've grown weary of having the same conversations over and over. I don't think it's completely out of line to demand more out of people with whom we are forced to share an elevator or train seat or doctor's office. Next time someone says something about the weather, I think I'll counter with something like "Do you think there's a hell, and if so, are we all headed there?"

I'm guessing I'll have a lot more awkward silences to deal with.

Washin' The Dog

2005-08-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

Question:

2005-08-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

If you were provided a pit identical to the ones that Jiffy Lube uses, as well as a place to discard used oil, would you change your own oil?

My latest entrepreneurial scheme is to start a self-service oil change place. I can't stand spending $30 at Jiffy Lube for a service that a dimwitted monkey could perform - but I do it, simply because I have no room to store ramps and no place to safely discard oil. Now if someplace provided these two things, and let you use them for a reasonable fee (probably just tacked on to the price of the 4 quarts of oil), would you take advantage of this?

My slogan would be "Real Men Change Their Own Oil". Cuts to the quick - makes Jiffy Lube customers feel emasculated.

My feedback on this so far has been positive. Not only do people seem to like this idea, but they also seem to share their stories of being f'd over by Jiffy Lube. So there appears to be a market.

This already seems better than my idea for a bar called Makeout Party and my idea for Gay chapstick combined.

Peter Jennings

2005-08-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

Peter Jennings died. In his obit on Yahoo, the two adjectives used to describe him are "urbane" and "Canadian-born". It seems odd to me that when it is necessary to sum up a man's worth in 2 words, his accomplishments are trumped by the fact that he came out of his mom's girly-parts on Canuck soil.

2005-08-08T09:15:00.000-05:00

2005-08-08T08:21:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've written anything. It's been a rather hectic week.

I want to say thank you to all of Jen's friends who have been more than great this past week. Some of you have known me for only a relatively short period of time, (and some of you have known Matt even less), but you all made Matt and I feel like family. It has meant the world to us.

A special thanks to Aimee, who was kind of swept up into everything by chance and was fantastic through all of it. She and Jen got all the info from the doctors when I was too sleepy to be attentive, and kept us all company when we needed it.

And to Jennifer - I can't imagine what this week would've been like without you there. You've been so wonderful even though it has been tough on you as well. I can't thank you enough. I love you.

You meet lots of good people in a lifetime, but it's rare to meet truly great people, and you all fit the profile. I can't say I've ever met a more caring, generous, and beautiful group of women. You're all the complete package. Can I keep you all to myself? I mean, I don't bring a whole lot to the table, but I can cook a mean dinner...

Right before Matt and I got into the car accident we played a show with these guys who were on tour from the UK. A nice bunch of blokes, they are. And talented. We listened to their CD in the car, and I haven't been able to get this song out of my head the entire week. It's so good. Check it out.

Okay, I don't like to be too serious or sappy, so next I'm going to post a picture of a guy wearing a paper bag that's on fire.

My milkshake...

2005-07-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

This is just about the best thing I've heard all day.

2005-07-29T10:50:00.000-05:00

My other car is 24

2005-07-29T10:05:00.000-05:00

My friend Kyle just called to tell me he was in traffic behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "My Other Car is 24" (the 24 was in the NASCAR font, meaning Jeff Gordon).

Bumper stickers are great for those times when you think, "Gee, I just spent 18 grand on this car. How can I make it look shitty?"

Of course, I should note that my car in high school was covered in bumper stickers, but that was high school. I also replaced my stick shift knob with a beer tap. This is why they don't let you vote until you're 18.

The only bumper stickers I enjoy are the ones that are unintentionally hilarious, like the aforementioned. Or "My President is Charlton Heston". I saw that one a couple times in MN.

"God Needed A Driver" with a halo and angel wings on the NASCAR #3 is also one of those ridiculous ones I love seeing.

Our keyboardist Aric has one that says "I'm Pro-Accordian and I Vote". I actually do like that one.

I've also been struggling to find the now-classic "Say 'Ya' to Da U.P., Eh?" bumper stickers, to no avail. If I ever find one, I will be forced to buy an El Camino, just to give it proper display.

2005-07-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

Which one of these is a sillier premise for a movie? :

A rogue, cowboy-like outsider butts heads with the best guy in the business in the action-packed world of...uh...air-traffic controllers.

or

A blue-collar trucker bonds with his estranged, bourgeois son by competing in the World Arm-Wrestling Championship?

2005-07-26T08:41:00.000-05:00

I saw this in the supermarket last night and I had to take a picture of it. It's a large head of cauliflower, except that it's got broccoli growing unnaturally out of it. It's called "Broccoflower". This disturbs me - not only because they apparently passed on the much more risible title of "Caulifloccoli" - but rather because it seems to be a microcosm of the possible horrors of genetic engineering. This path can only lead to bad things like mutant half-human freaks.

...Or Centaurs. That would be awesome.

Just because...

2005-07-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

Welcome

2005-07-25T10:25:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog.

God, if that doesn't sound stupid. But I suppose it's necessary.

I feel obliged to write stuff now that I'm officially linked to other people's blogs. A couple days ago I got Megan hooked on this blogging stuff, and she seems to be loving it so far. It's the least I could do after burning her pancakes.

I guarantee I will have interesting things to say for those of you brave enough to keep tuning in. The only thing interesting that has happened to me so far today is that I parked my car next to a van with a bullet hole in the side door this morning. Also, this morning I dreamed that I stole a ridiculously large TV from Best Buy by hooking it onto my trailer hitch, and Best Buy was coming after me despite my remorse and intentions of returning it.

I was in New York recently, and on the flight back I was thinking about how cool it would be if by some freak occurence you could hear the thoughts of the person sitting next to you through those headphones that they give you to plug into your armrest. Like, Channel 9 is the pilot's air-tower chatter, Channel 10 is classical music, Channel 11 is the thoughts of the person sitting next to you. Then I thought what if, after the initial elation of making this discovery, you learn that the person sitting next to you has terribly boring, if not unlistenable thoughts. Would this be more or less disappointing than watching the Cubs lose the NLCS?

Jen

2005-07-23T18:02:00.000-05:00

Natalie

2005-07-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

Natalie

Paul Hornung at

2005-07-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

Paul Hornung at Summerfest

Our first

2005-07-22T14:40:00.000-05:00

Our first marquee!